I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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