I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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