I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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