Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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