I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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