no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
