your parents love me but you hate me
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
