I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
