I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
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