it glows. i had to have it.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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