i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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