I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
