I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
