My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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