i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
