I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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