just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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