pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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