I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
