Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
