Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
