I just pynch a tree in the face
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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