Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
