if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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