its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This is my gift to your gina
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
