I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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