I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
