Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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