Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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