i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I need a beard to bite.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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