he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
