When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
