Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
