Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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