im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
