I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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