Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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