Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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