my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
