Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
