I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
