I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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