its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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