i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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