Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
