On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
