so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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