Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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