sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
