You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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