I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
