she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The best revenge is premature balding
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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