If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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