No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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