the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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