I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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