There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
