I woke up to her vacumming the grass
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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