You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
