if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Let's paint friendship bongs
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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