is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
