what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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