ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
